Everyone’s a little bit self-righteous sometimes

Having recently seen Avenue Q I have had the words to the songs endlessly swirling around my head, so it’s not surprising that I started coming up with new lyrics for some of the songs.

Avenue Q is a great musical because the puppets say things that we generally don’t want to talk about, but which are nevertheless factual.

So whilst humming along to “Everyone’s a little bit racist”, I wondered if everyone is also a little bit – something else that’s not so nice. What other traits does everyone have that you could write a song about? So having resolved many disputes throughout my working life, it occurred to me that everyone is a little bit self righteous too, particularly when they’re under attack; but no-one would want to admit it.

I’m right, you’re wrong
If there is one thing I’ve learned over all my years working as a mediator and conciliator is that when there is a dispute everyone always believes that their position is right – well at least initially. All of us are a bit precious when we’re under attack – it’s only human. If we are not self-righteous and defensive when someone says that there is problem, it could mean that we have to accept that we deliberately acted in a way that has now been judged as being wrong or inappropriate; and no-one wants to admit that upfront. This is about ego; about saving face.

You might have also noticed that people who are self-defensive and self-righteous are not good listeners and they can’t negotiate anything. They’re in battle-mode – they have a point to prove and they’ll keep arguing with you until the cows come home. It’s also probably no surprise that the higher the stakes the more likely we are to hold our position, the more self righteous we can become.

So how do you handle a problem like self righteousness? It’s easy. You go with it. You don’t fight it, because you can’t. When a person is under attack they will usually only listen to you if they think you are on their side.

To give you an example, there is a Dad who, during a heated mediation, is being challenged by his ex-wife because he is always late to pick up his kids for contact on the Friday nights. She says that it’s not fair on the kids who start to “lose it” when Dad’s more than 2 hours late. But the first thing Dad does is to justify his behaviour by telling you (the mediator) that he has a very important and busy job and that he just can’t get away by 5.00 pm on Fridays and that she, Mum, needs to understand that. You go with that argument; you don’t fight it. You tell him that you understand that he is busy and important and that it’s very hard for him to get away on Friday nights; but then you gently add that the kids are important too, so what arrangements could we put in place to make this situation work better for everyone?

The bottom line is don’t fight insanity. When any of us go into that self-righteous state, we’re not operating on full throttle. It’s like we are holding our hands over our ears singing la la la, so that we can’t hear anything anyone is saying.

But awareness is a wonderful thing. Next time you feel that you’re under attack take a note of how you respond to that situation; does your heart rate change; what are you thinking? Notice how hard it is to listen properly to the other person and how you immediately feel the need to defend yourself and justify your position. You might also notice that your voice becomes higher pitched and strained?

And then you can tell yourself to stop and listen and think and rephrase what you were going to say in the first place. Think about what you can say to defuse the situation and best of all ask questions, so you can determine what is the genesis of this attack.

Finally always remember that if you turn the attack back on the other person, they’ll just become self righteous too.

No wonder we still can’t avoid wars.

Bringing people with you

The other day I went to Officeworks to buy some pens, envelopes and stuff. I love going to Officeworks because I’m completely addicted to stationery. I love all the little bits and pieces and always hope that I will find that special thing that will finally end the chaos that is my office. So it’s no surprise that I usually end up buying more things than were on my list of essential items.

But my recent trip to Officeworks was very traumatic. They had moved everything. They had restructured the store and changed the general layout and I couldn’t find anything. It was very stressful. Being a loyal and long term customer of Officeworks I had become to feel a little bit like family. And I have to admit feeling a bit smug at times when some poor soul, new to my local Officeworks couldn’t find something and I could point them in the right direction. It’s OK staff member, I can handle this. Wink wink – I’m a regular.

However if it wasn’t bad enough that I could no longer find anything; the management, in their wisdom, had decided to pretend that nothing had happened. There were no signs, no additional staff to help out us poor regulars who usually know where everything is. And suddenly I became “friends” with and teamed up with other regulars as we all wandered aimlessly around the store, complaining endlessly about how awful it was that we couldn’t find anything and bagging the management.

Because the management had imposed this change without bringing us, the customer, with them, they had created an “us and them” environment. In this case it was not the end of the world, because the management would be confident that my new friends and I would “get over it” and that we would go back to their store very soon, because we’re all addicted to stationery.

But what about a situation where the staff of a large government department get told at a staff meeting that from now on their core hours are going to change. No communication will be entered into. You can no longer work outside of these hours, as you have done for years and years. The Department will no longer provide any flexibility in working hours. End of story.

Think about the “us and them “environment that situation can lead to. Imagine if you will, groups of staff huddled in corners whispering to each other, complaining about the unfairness of the situation; some people are in tears because they can’t find childcare for some of the new core hours. Suddenly the staff have become a team. They’re now on one side and the management are on the other. The staff will still come to work and do their jobs because they need the money etc ...but do they do their jobs with a great level of enthusiasm if they think that they are not being respected?

How different it all could have been if the management had provided the staff with the reasons behind the change; introduced the change over a period of time so that staff could make the necessary changes to their childcare arrangements, or work out which bus they now need to catch. What if the management had brought the staff with them, so the staff also believed that this change was for the good of the Department?

When I was growing up my Dad said that there was NO WAY we were going to get a colour tv, that they were just a waste of money. He had never seen a colour television; he just “knew” it was a waste of money. Then Mum hired a colour television when she was in hospital after the birth of my brother Ben. It was there that Dad saw the Bathurst car race on colour television and he came home and said that we were going to get a colour television. Dad wasn’t a fan of car racing but he was a fan of football and cricket and suddenly he realised that he would enjoy watching those sports on the tele so much more if we had a colour television. He was an immediate and excited convert.

Change management is about working out what you need to do to bring people with you -and I accept that sometimes that's quite difficult. But keeping everyone informed along the way, giving everyone the opportunity to express their concerns and to challenge any new ideas is a start. Or you could let people experiment with the new technology, giving them enough time to think about the changes and to feel comfortable with it.

The challenge for management everywhere is to work out how big the change is, to consider how it will affect their staff, supporters, fans, shareholders etc... and then to work out strategies as to how best to implement the change.

It sounds straightforward but somehow a lot of change is not managed very well at all.

I’d love to hear your stories about change....what worked well, what didn’t.

Kate

Ask and you will be receive

I have always held a firm belief in the power of the universe. That you need to put it out there, tell people about your passions and goals. You don't know what opportunities can come from telling people what matters most to you. If you don't ask, you might not receive.

Yesterday I started this blog telling the world that I like to solve problems. Today I was offered a significant Government contract to resolve an entrenched workplace issue. I'm not suggesting that I got the contract because of the blog, but I have been telling people that I'm building my business and looking for new opportunities.

So as you can tell, I'm just a tad excited. I'm also excited about some other business ideas I have, which to date have been received with a great deal of enthusiasm - more on that soon. And then there's the Pathways DVD that I'm producing, the training video I'm writing and producing with Nick Cleary, the training I'm doing for CPDBiz and of course we are about to start rehearsals for Pirates - buy tickets from http://www.gandssa.org.au.

Tis good.

Kate

Welcome to Rosebud Consulting

Does your organisation have some problems that need solving. Do you need help with organising your next event or someone to work with your staff on team building and change management? Kate Warren, proprietor of Rosebud Consulting and her team, can help.

Kate has been solving problems and team building since she could talk - just ask her family. And her team knows that you can only solve problems efficiently if you can communicate effectively with people and have the necessary tools at your disposal to solve problems.

Kate is an accredited mediator and trainer. She has held management positions for more than 25 years and has a diverse and interesting background working as a mediator/conciliator in family law (child support) for more than 10 years.

Her team includes Lucy Russell, a creative whiz and writer. Lucy has an eye for detail, layout and grammar. We also have on board Denes Nagy, an artist and graphic designer.

Kate's team is also closely allied with many performing arts organisations and performers. Kate and the team can organise entertainment for your event, as well as technical crew (sound and lighting).

We are an extremely creative problem solving team. We like to think out of the square and approach problems solving and event management in new and dynamic ways.

For more information call Kate at Rosebud Consulting on (08) 8379 7783 or 0409 554 611 or email me at kate@rosebudconsulting.com.au.

We look forward to hearing from you!!